Personal Talks ♡

17 Things I learned at 17

August 15, 2018Lifestyle, Personal Talks ♡, Uncategorized4 Comments

Hello everyone, it’s been awhile since my last post, I went on vacation last week and I’ve also been getting ready for college, I finally move in this weekend. It seems like everything is happening so fast, I’m excited but also nervous. Anyways, today is my 18th birthday and I decided to do a post that would make me reflect on my year of being seventeen. Most of these are very personal and I decided to write this for me in my journal, however I thought it would be nice to share with you all, everything I learned this past year.

I learned that/to…..

My mental health comes first. I think that during my senior year is when I finally realized that my mental health is valid. I had such a difficult year mentally and I realized that my mental health is just as important as my physical health.
If I have the opportunity to fix something, then I should do it as soon as possible. I learned this the hard way, but there were so many times when I could change something, but all I did was fear “what if’s” my mind and wasted time.
Challenge my avoidance. My anxiety has been the worse it’s ever been this past year, from the start of senior year until as recently as a few weeks ago. There were so many, many events that I unfortunately avoided, because I was so afraid and because of that, I will never have memories of those events in my life.
To deal through uncomfortable situations. Of course no one wants to feel uncomfortable, however the feeling is impossible to flee. I had lots of practice, sitting with those uncomfortable feelings, giving myself that exposure. I’ve also learned ways to cope with it and make it better.
Take chances on first-time opportunities. On a more positive note, there were few very memorable occasions I took apart of. My fear almost got the best of me, but I took those chances and did not regret one of them.
Get out of the house and do something for yourself. During the winter months, I felt so alone and isolated, I stayed home pretty much everyday secluded from everything, except my appointments. Maybe what I really needed was just some time outside of the house even if I was just solo.
The library is a sacred and underrated place. This ones a little different, but this was the one place I always felt safe whether it be at school or my public library. During the school year, whenever I didn’t have classes, I would go to the library and sit in the back, next to window and daze off sometimes, looking into the gloomy sky. I felt okay there, and sometimes if you just need sometime to be by yourself, the library is the right spot, to tune everything out.
Gratitude practices make a difference. This year I was challenged with practicing gratitude by my therapist. At first I thought to myself, “this is useless”, however it was far from the truth. The more I began to practice this skill, the more I realized how much more appreciative it made me of everything. (I highly recommend everyone trying some different gratitude practices).
It’s okay to just sit and cry. I accepted that sometimes crying is needed, everything feels better once you cry. Crying is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.
Living outside of your comfort zone is probably one of the best things. I unfortunately probably was in a cave most of the time (metaphorically speaking), but those very limited times when I got out of my shell, were the absolute best. Hopefully that’s a goal that I stride for more when I’m 18.
Challenging yourself is a great way for you to grow as a person. Any challenge that you give to yourself, will shape you into the person you are looking to become. Set the bar up high and challenge yourself.
If people are there for you, then open up to them. There were a few people in my life, that were there for me when I needed them, and I just couldn’t express what I was feeling or going through, but if I could go back and change that I most definitely would.
Write, Write, & Write. Release your endless emotions: write them down, journal, blog, or just type them in your phone. Creating my blog was one of the best things I’ve ever done and it gave me this outlet to express everything I am passionate about and to have the freedom to write about anything on my mind.
If you feel that your struggling mentally, seek a therapist or talk to a counselor/social worker. I finally started seeing a therapist a little bit after I turned 17. As well as, last year at school, I finally reached out to my school social worker, and I realized that it’s okay to just go and see them. Sometimes you need a break from your class and need to talk to someone who understands what you may be feeling. Thankfully I had an amazing guidance counselor and social worker at my school, that I was able to see throughout the day.
My mom is always there for me. Yes, my mom was probably always there for me, but this last year was unlike any other year. After all that I went through, I had to say that everything impacted her in various ways. Most of all, she helped me finish school when I lost motivation and continued to help me with any of my needs.
Sometimes it’s the most simplest things that feed the soul. It may be just hearing the waves clash on the shore, or that bite into your favorite meal, or maybe feeling the warmth of the sun against your skin. Be mindful during these sensations and remember them.
I’m still finding who I am and want to become. I saved this one for last because this is something I constantly think about. I’m often confused about life, and although life is a journey about self-discovery, I know that through time I will find myself and know who I am.

Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoyed this very sentimental post. If you enjoyed this post then do not forget to like it and please subscribe with your email in the sidebar, to be notified of new posts through your email, (be sure to confirm subscription in email). Also make sure to follow me on my social media pages down below, I will follow back all other fellow bloggers!

talk to you soon, ariana. ♡

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goodbye high school/// a short diary

May 31, 2018June 3, 2018Personal Talks ♡4 Comments

Hi everyone, I am finally back from my short break, I really needed it and I’m glad I took it, because now I feel ready to blog again. Anyways, today’s post will be another personal and short diary entry about the end of high school for me. This is a bit different than the other posts I have blogged about before, but I’m happy with the way it turned out.

Goodbye High School…

“From there on, it all became bittersweet. I acted like there was not a care in the world, however in reality I was far from it. Mixed emotions ran through my blood, I had no idea how to feel. I should be glad that I was out of the place that I called hell for two years. However, something about today was different that made me miss something that was no longer in my life. I’m not sure if it was those empty hallways, or the staff that was there, or even the fresh school scent that hit me as soon as I walked through the front doors. Once I received my diploma, of course I was happy that I had finally graduated high school and was finally done with this place forever. However, in a way I also felt somewhat sentimental saying goodbye to this place, I mean, even though not much came out positive from high school, I still wouldn’t of met some of my favorite teachers or my counselor, or even some friends who changed my life at the time. But from that moment on, I felt ready to let go of all the anger and hurt I had been feeling for so long, and when I did, there was this sense of closure I felt after. The moment I stepped through the doors, I said my goodbyes to this place; letting go of the past and stepping into the next chapter of my life.”

Souvenir//Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark.

If you enjoyed this post then do not forget to like it and please subscribe with your email in the sidebar, to be notified of new posts through your email, (be sure to confirm subscription in email). Also make sure to follow me on my social media pages down below, I will follow back all other fellow bloggers!

much love, ariana. ♡

Check out my last post: What I received in my Ipsy Glam Bag/// May 2018

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My Anxiety Story///Mental Health Awareness Week 2018

May 15, 2018June 3, 2018Mental Health ❀, Personal Talks ♡18 Comments

Hi everyone, I am back with another blog post today. Today’s post will be very personal and vulnerable for me to write, something I do not open up about, however I feel like I must discuss my story. If you did not know already, May is Mental Health Awareness Month and from the week May 14th-20th, is Mental Health Awareness Week.

I have no idea where to begin, but I’m just going to dive right in it. I have severe anxiety, mostly social anxiety and I have for a few years now, however in the first few years of dealing with this illness, I kept it to myself and received no help since, I kept quiet about what was really going on. I’m going to break down my anxiety in a timeline.

Ever since I was a little girl, I was a worrier and anxious child. I would worry about situations that no child (should) worry about. Throughout my middle school years, I was this insecure and nervous wreck at school, but I would of never identified as someone with anxiety. It was not until my sophomore year of high school until I compared the symptoms of anxiety with the way I was feeling, and thought to myself that I may have anxiety (undiagnosed). At the time, I was unsure why I was feeling the way I was, confused on why I was so anxious without any apparent reason. Fast forward a few months to the start of my junior year, I began to feel this anxiousness every single day when I went to school. Let me just say that 1st semester of my junior year classes were my worse classes of high school, both from the courses and people in my class. There was this specific class, where I had no friends in the class, completely alone (and although I know it’s common, it just happened to be my worst subject, which made everything 100% more miserable). Anyways in that class, there was a large group of friends who would sit around and gossip (you might be saying well yeah it’s high school, but no this was an insane level of gossip toxicity). For some reason, everytime I walked into that class, my heart would instantly dropped, I feared for my life in that class. Anytime they would talk about someone no matter who the person was, it instantly became a “trigger” for me. Which let me be clear, they didn’t even know I existed so it was not about me, but I would hear these awful things that they would say about other people and I would become incredibly anxious. Later on it became so severe that whenever I heard anyone whisper or laugh, I would immediately think it was about me or even a friend. I was mortified in that class, and not to mention that my grades started to suffer tremendously, simply because I could not focus.

Sometime throughout the middle of the semester, it was so awful that I could not find myself even going to that class anymore. I never told my mom the real reason I wanted to skip the class, but I just said it was pointless or boring, luckily it was my first period class so I would have my mom call me in late. It worsened though, when I realized this no longer affecting me in only that class, but in almost all my classes. As soon as I reached that point, I would miss school once a week at least, I would have my mom call me in sick just so I wouldn’t see those people. At the start of new year, I finally told my mom what I was feeling/going through, it felt good to finally open up to someone for the first time, however she still did not know the all of it. If we skip a few months later to my 2nd semester (mind you this was only last year, early 2017), I was still dealing with the same situation, slightly better, but not over. This time, it started to affect my friendships in negative ways, I felt myself distancing away from my close friends, not because I wanted to, but because I couldn’t help myself. In April of 2017, that’s when I first began seeing a licensed counselor (where she diagnosed me with anxiety) the first little bit helped, however after two months or so, I felt that it was no longer helping because I was receiving no new information or help. Summer was here, I had pretty much closed off ties with friends unintentionally and only hung out with two friends that entire summer, continued working my summer job (which also gave me a lot of social anxiety, perhaps in another post I will elaborate more), but at this time I was not seeing anyone for help. However, I did start taking a low dosage of medication to regulate the way I was feeling.

Then the start of school was already here, and from the moment, I stepped in my first period class of senior year, I already knew that this was going to be a part two of my junior year disaster. During my first official week of high school, I finally started seeing a psychologist, it was my first time meeting her, and things went very smoothly and she became my therapist (currently is my therapist, she’s the best). Without me even talking too much, she exactly knew the way I was feeling, she noticed a pattern of avoidance in my life, and it truly opened my eyes to see all the things I truly avoided. The pattern of ditching school from my junior year, came back again, however it was even more worse. It was so severe that I did not want to communicate with anyone, whether it be peers, teachers, or even my friends, because I was afraid of them all for what they would say to me or anything. My life became a living hell. I became extremely reserved and anti-social, dreading school everyday. It was only the third week of school and I had already missed five days of school, I eventually started to see my guidance counselor and a social worker at school, they helped me make some accommodations in my schedule, which is why I ended up taking my American government class online. Not many people knew the reason I was skipping school, besides my school counselor and maybe two friends. From there it escalated down even more, and that’s all I am going to say for now, until my other post, that I plan on writing soon of my high school experience. (I will explain what ended up happening the rest of the year, and a big change in my life).

If we skip to the now, as I’m currently typing this out, I can tell you that I’m doing okay, not awful, but also not as good as I wish I was. I have made a lot of progress in my battle with anxiety, however there is still a lot to go. I see my therapist twice a week, take daily meds, and practice self-care.

I would continue to write, but then this would become a novel, because there is so much to say, however I will be writing about the other mental illness I battle at some other time. I wanted this post to go up yesterday, however I was unable to. I will posting everyday for the rest of the week on mental illnesses in honor of Mental Health Awareness week.

This was an incredibly personal post to me, it took a while to get started, but once I started, it felt good expressing the way I’ve been feeling for so long. I hope you either like hearing my anxiety story, or get inspired to share your mental illness story, or maybe both. I would appreciate any positivity, any comments on your mental illness, or even questions you have on my battle. Just know that if you are going through any mental illness, you are strong and are loved. It took me awhile to realize that I was not alone during this. I will see you all tomorrow for another blog post on mental illness.

You are all beautiful. ♡