what’s been on my mind/// june 14th, 2019

hi all, it has been a hot minute since my last blog post, and that is simply because i became very busy at college with my classes and extra-curriculars, however i am now on my summer break and i will be posting a lot more onto my blog this summer and hopefully following up through the school year. during the time that i have been absent from my blog, i have started writing more personally, about my feelings, experiences, people, and some poetry. and i find it extremely therapeutic to write about these topics because it gives me a sense of peace, and throughout the summer i hope to change my blog a bit by writing more thoughtful, personable, and vulnerable posts. i want my blog to be my source of sharing my intimate writing with the world and hopefully others are inspired or can gain insight from my writing. i will soon be writing a post on the experiences of my first year at college, and hopefully do a college mini series on my blog to help those going into college as well.

anyways let’s get onto what is really been on my mind lately, it’s vulnerable and a bit nerve-racking to share this with others.

“people have been asking me if i am okay, sometimes i don’t know what to tell them. do i tell them the same lie i’m used to spitting out at people? or do i tell them the rotten truth… because if you want to hear the truth then, the truth is; i am far from okay, i am so unhappy with my life right now.

i ask myself, what am i doing for myself? and i think when i ponder on that question, i avoid it as much as possible because i am really not doing anything good for myself, especially in my current well-being state. and the reason why i say current well-being is because i am hurting so much right now, in pain that i was not experiencing before, that pain is from a heartbreak. i’ve been feeling shitty for a few weeks, not enjoying some of my hobbies and other daily activities, experiencing a war in my mind with the chaos of emotions i’m going through.

i feel as if i am trying to fill this void in my life to cover the open wounds. but what i really need is to heal… i’m leaving the wounds exposed, increasing my suffering. not because i want to, but because it’s what i know, and it’s a temporary fix even though the choices i’m making are not the best for my well-being.

i know that i need to change that if i want to feel better. if only you knew how hard this is, to do things that i am not ready to do yet. however, if i want to better my life then i’ll need to take these challenging actions so my suffering can decrease…”

this was just a mindful thought-to-thought post of my current emotions, thank you for the read.

sending you all good vibes, ariana. ♡

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